I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point