Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
You Might Also Like
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Does it…does it take 3 days
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.