I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
You Might Also Like
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
my sentiments exactly
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?