My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
You Might Also Like
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I’m giving up ice.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along