nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Isn’t
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.