My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?