ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Accurate
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
sigh