On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Respect
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software