I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Every haunted house movie:
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Who.
Did.
This?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches