*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.