My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
what day is it?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways