I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
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friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
mentally somewhere in italy
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face