My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.