I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.