In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.