Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.