The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle