I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
$3 #books
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity