[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
You Might Also Like
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”