At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”