People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”