Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You Might Also Like
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*