One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!