Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
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Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
The real reason evolution started..😂
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.