son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I identify as an antique shop.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen