What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
You Might Also Like
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
HERE’S MARKY
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?