When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
LMAO.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.