In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
THE AUDACITY. 😤
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
My teenage children choosing violence