Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
This is why I hate group projects
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?