*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.