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My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.