me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
(Jupiter –
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids