HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
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Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that