LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
You Might Also Like
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
was Jim off killing horses or…
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.