I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.