Cha-ching is my safe word
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
🛁
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”