Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’