Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!