I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Husband of the year 😂
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
reminder
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Planet of the Apps.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.