It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.