How did we decide to go with cockpit?
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?