My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact