waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
God, I love Scotland
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Nice try, poison.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants