Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
You Might Also Like
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Basically.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat