He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
This one’s “Alex”.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”