the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
eggs benadryl
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy