Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Home #decor warning.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.