My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Kids: Stay in school.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
That took me a moment.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!