Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
craving $300 all of a sudden
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”