My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
You Might Also Like
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.